How to NOT diet

Oh, I have learned to diet - VERY WELL. I can diet in a million different ways. It is learning how to NOT diet that seems to throw me. As soon as I am not counting every calorie or every "point" or carb - as soon as I am not weighing out and measuring every ounce - as soon as I am not writing down every morsel; the scale starts to climb UP. My eating goes right out of control. It is not about being "hungry" at all. It is just eating eating eating without any feeling of ever being satiated. Not ever. What IS that?

I finally remembered the very first time this happened to me. I was about 12 years old and was babysitting for the people across the street. They had a kid who was particularly evil. Their way of dealing with him was to have the spanking ruler hanging on the wall in the hallway outside of his bedroom. I was told if he didn't mind, to get the ruler down and threaten him. Nice. No telling what kind of person he grew up to be. Needless to say, I was not the type that was going to make threats like that, but it was a bit stressful trying to deal with him.

When he asked for an evening snack, I went into the kitchen pantry to get him something. It was then that I discovered their pantry had all kinds of snacks! The kind of food we never had in our house - ever. Pretzels, cookies, cheesey crackers. Once I gave the kid a snack and got him into bed, I returned to that amazing pantry. Just a little - maybe. Then a little more. Then more. I could not stop eating and I knew I would be in trouble if they noticed food was gone. It was terrible. The guilt and the knowledge that they would surely know I ate everything was horrible. But - I - could - not - stop.

Sure enough. The next day they phoned my mom and complained to her that all the snacks had been eaten up. My mother asked me about it. I remember hanging my head in shame and confessing that yes, I did eat the snacks. My mother did not berate me, but muttered something about "what kind of people do not make sure there is food left out for the baby sitter?" I never baby sat for them again. I don't recall another incident like that until years later as an adult after losing over 70 lbs with Weight Watchers. I regained that 70 lbs plus in record time. Out of control eating. I was driven like drunk - eating ice cream and cereal. I would have thrown my own mother under the bus for ice cream. Seriously - bad.

So here I am. Years later - still dealing with weight issues and wondering why I cannot feel satiated. I never feel full. My stomach will be so full it hurts - but there is no feeling of "we are full - stop eating." What is that?